Star Gazing
by Starlight Dream Weaver
Summary: "We all die alone... right?"


Authors notes: Again, still trying to write some fanfiction that doesn't involve those character's (that shall remained un-named because they annoy me so much) in the spotlight.  
  
Written when I should be revising for my finals at college. Oh well, I failed them last year, no doubt I will again.  
  
I think every point to my fanfiction is to try and kill her off in interesting ways...  
  
Written also to fuel my love the of stars... (the stars at night) and because of the feelings that I once knew.  
  
And can you tell I just quit smoking?  
  
Genre: Angst/Drama... it's a bit...... well... it deals with thoughts associated with suicide so be warned.  
  
Spoilers: None I guess. It mentions Sandy, but it's AU so nothings really... spoiled.  
  
Disclaimer: Do I need to keep pointing this out? ER not mine... blah blah blah and all that Jazz.....  
  
Dedication: To the imagination that reigns supreme when all is boring and to the people who read and enjoy this, thanks for not ignoring it.......  
  
To D for the constant inspiration and for making me realise as A....  
  
To M for flowing through my veins and making me sleep...  
  
To SDT, SS and VG for being someone.  
  
Star Gazing  
  
I don't feel the cold.  
  
I rarely do these days. It's just another feeling that passes me by while I'm living. Or at least attempting to live.  
  
But I know the cold is keeping me company, as I watch the snow flakes drift from the heavens to the ground at my feet.  
  
I'm not sure what time it is, you're never sure what time it is when you're a doctor, only when you're calling the time of death do you glance at your watch or the clock to note what time the person lying on the gurney stopped existing in this world. You measure the time in patients. After about 10 patients, you deserve a break.  
  
Actually taking that break is another matter all together.  
  
But I find myself standing on the roof of the hospital in the falling snow.  
  
I actually find myself smoking a cigarette as well.  
  
My secret vice. I gave up years ago but today I needed a cigarette.  
  
I actually needed it. The release it gives you, the first puff that sends the nicotine running through your body and you can think clearly. Because all you have to think about other than your worries is not poking yourself in the eye with the cigarette accidentally. So my thoughts are keeping me company along with the cold.  
  
Everything is running circles in my mind but the thought that stands screaming at me from on top of a mountain in my mind is: Why?  
  
Sandy left me. I came back from work one day to loneliness.  
  
Loneliness and a note. How thoughtful. A note.  
  
I wanted to scream, I would have screamed, but I was Kerry Weaver. I don't scream or shout for myself, that's selfish, I can do if for other people but feel emotion for myself is a selfish indulgence that I bypass without missing a beat.  
  
"We want different things Kerry..... I love you but I can't go on with you this way.... I know in your heart you'll understand.... it's for the best...."  
  
How many times have I heard that? Mediated differently, through conversations face to face, on the phone, through letters and even once through a song. I knew it was a bad idea to date a theatre student in college, but it was amusing none the less.  
  
It didn't really register with me. No feelings, no emotions, no thoughts. Just simply that I was alone once again.  
  
I don't think I was ever not alone. Even with Sandy, with Kim, Ellis, Mlunguisi, my husband, it was the same. I was always alone.  
  
And when you're alone all you want to do is die.  
  
Those feelings and emotions that you try to will away, no matter how hard you try are always present at the end of the day. While you're lying in your bed staring at the ceiling, they're they telling you why no one is by your side.  
  
So you lie, lifeless, willing, asking, wishing, praying, begging that the powers that be will let you fall asleep, never to wake again.  
  
You beg until you cry, until the tears won't stop flowing until you fear your death will be by drowning in your own tears, you beg until you feel asleep exhausted.  
  
And then when you wake the tears start again because the powers havn't let you die.  
  
That's when you realise you are truly alone. That no one was actually listening to your pleas, that your were asking no one because no one was listening.  
  
There is no one looking out for you, there is no one that cares at the end of the day.  
  
You are alone. And eventually we all die alone, right?  
  
Here I stand on the roof of County General, willing, wishing, asking, praying, begging for death. And yet it doesn't come. Because I'm still standing here alone. And that's how it will always be.  
  
I stare down and I can see the ambulance bay.  
  
I can see Kovac and Abby fighting, I can see Carter running to Abby's rescue. I can see Chen and Pratt walking into the hospital on each other's arms.  
  
And I realise I am the only one alone.  
  
And in those seconds I know what I have to do.  
  
The feelings are of being free. I am free. Or am I?  
  
Air and wind rush past me. And then it all went black.  
  
I stare at the stars now. I gaze at the stars even. I take in their beauty and their meaning, hanging in the sky without a care.  
  
I watch inspired.  
  
I don't acknowledge the nurse that walks across the roof, lights a cigarette and stands next to me gazing across the city.  
  
I don't acknowledge the doctor that joins her seconds later. There we stand in silence, the only sounds are of the city and the occasional noise of the nurse inhaling and exhaling the smoke from her cigarette. The silence breaks as he speaks.  
  
"She died"  
  
The nurse nods without breaking her gaze across the city.  
  
"Carter was with her when she...uhh... died"  
  
She nods again.  
  
"At least she wasn't alone when it happened"  
  
"She probably didn't know that"  
  
I turn to watch the two and watch as the nurse flicks her cigarette off the roof and turns to leave, the doctor following her. I turn right the way around and I watch as the nurse looks back over her shoulder. "... Luka" It's almost a gasp.  
  
I watch as he turns to follow her gaze, I stare back at the both of them, and they stare back at me. Am I alone?  
  
++  
  
++  
  
I don't even know why I turned back to look, it was almost morbid.  
  
I had thrown my cigarette off the roof like she had thrown herself. But I turned back anyway.  
  
And there she was. Standing on the ledge staring at me. I don't even know how I found my voice in those seconds but I tug on Luka's arm and call his name.  
  
And he turns around and see's what I see.  
  
Kerry standing on the ledge. About 10 minutes after she's died. After throwing herself off that ledge.  
  
She's just staring back at us with pained eyes. And then she turns and flings herself off the ledge. Again.  
  
I know I screamed. I didn't hear it, but I know I opened my mouth to scream. Luka grabs my arm and we start running back to the door.  
  
We're not sure what happened. No one else could explain it.  
  
They just stood already in shock from her death.  
  
They watched as we ran through the ER to the ambulance bay, now crawling with police and reporters. A police officer tries to stop us from going out there, but we do anyway. As we stand there, we don't even know why, we look around to see if she's there. Or at least her body. Why would it be? She's already dead. But as we stare back up to the roof where she jumped, we can see her staring at the stars.  
  
We say nothing.  
  
We just walk back in the ER, just in time to see Carter come back down. His lab coat still covered in her blood. His face tear stained but painfully serious. He had been one of the ones stood there as her body fell from the heavens. Luka and I were walking back into the ER when we heard the thud of her body impacting with the ambulance bay. When we turned back around, we see the fiery red hair in the growing pool of blood. We know immediately it's her, but you don't want to believe it's her. But it was. How she wasn't already dead was a miracle, but they took her into the ER and tried to save her. She was beyond help. The trauma room emptied and Carter had been the one to stay there with her until she died.  
  
No one can still explain what happened. Not only why she jumped but the events afterwards.  
  
Who knows? I don't think anyone can explain.  
  
All I know is that when I stand on that roof smoking, I know I'm not alone.  
  
++ 


End file.
